Last Tuesday (Jan 28) I had my final appointment with the Program Director and my surgeon. It went pretty well. They made sure to reiterate that the surgery is a tool, not a cure, and made sure I understood what the next few weeks will look like.

I had a lot of random questions that all got answered and I felt comfortable and ready when I left the doctor’s office.

At that point I was on a low card diet, though I cheated some on Thursday, the day before I was set to start my liquid diet. I had some pizza for lunch. It was good but not as good as my brain had built it up to be in my head.

I started the liquid diet on Friday, one week before surgery. On the liquid diet I drink 7 protein shakes per day, generally made with unsweetened almond milk. The ultimate goal is to consume more than 70g of protein per day and less than 1200 calories. Typically my 7 protein shakes get me to about 130g of protein and 900 calories so I’ve been eating some sharp cheddar cheese to make up the calorie difference. I don’t know if I’m supposed to do that or not, but it feels good to eat something and cheese has 0 carbohydrates.

I’m actually surprised by how hard it is to follow the liquid diet. I figure I can do anything for a week, so it’s not that big of a deal. But I am HUNGRY. Really hungry. And the rest of the world is still eating delicious foods that smell great that I find in my presence regularly. Also, it’s not like I am on the liquid diet for a week and then I can have whatever I want so I just have to hold out. I’m on the liquid diet for a week, and then for a very long time after the surgery as well.

Suffice it to say, I am struggling much more than I thought I would. On Saturday we had a party and I did have some of the snacks (mostly hummus and some pretzels). I didn’t indulge to the level I normally would have, but it still wasn’t the wisest decision. Otherwise I’ve been sticking to the plan.

The morning before surgery, though, I had some ground turkey, cheese, and sour cream. I rationalized it by saying it was the last time I would have solid food in a long time and that it was still low-carb. I further rationalized it by looking up how long food stays in your stomach (4-6 hours) and that by eating it in the morning, it would not still be in my stomach at surgery time the following day. I feel silly for making these rationalizations and cheating on my diet, but man it felt good to eat something.

I started my one-week low-carb diet on Friday (today is Sunday) and it’s going fine. One week of anything is generally pretty easy to manage, since you know it isn’t forever. Last night the hubby and I went on a date night to our favorite steak place and I enjoyed a delicious bacon-wrapped filet mignon. Who needs bread when there’s filet mignon on the menu?

The trickiest part of low-carb, for me, has always been eating right at work. It isn’t impossible, by any means, it’s just hard to always have meats, cheeses, and fresh veggies on hand when you don’t have a fridge. But again, it’s only for a week this time so I’m sure I can make it work.

In other exciting news, Macy’s was having a sale yesterday and I picked up a NutriBullet for $100. I never got on the juice craze so this is my first individual-sized blender. I’m kind of excited to see what I can do with it. I’m actually looking forward to having protein shakes on a regular basis. I have a feeling that will change after my liquid diet starts on Friday, but for now I think it sounds convenient and easy.

The only other news that’s fit to print today are my starting statistics. Since this is (theoretically) the largest I will ever be again, I took this opportunity to weigh and measure and take photos. You can check them out on the Stats page.

Here’s to 5 more days of bacon, cheese, and broccoli!

A few days ago I met with my nutritionist and she outlined my food plan for the foreseeable future. I still haven’t really grasped how things are about to change. It hasn’t sunk in at all.

On Friday, which is 2 weeks before surgery, I’ll begin a low-carb diet, something I’m very familiar with. I’ll be low-carb for one week before starting the pre-op liquid diet. Because I carry the majority of my weight in my thighs and bum, I only have to do the liquid diet for one week as opposed to two or three. My doctor is prescribing Unjury protein powder during that week.

I have three days left before I start low-carb. One of the vlogs I watched recently talked about food funerals. The woman had food funerals for McDonald’s and pizza, and ice-cream, and all these other foods that she wouldn’t be able to have leading up to and following her surgery.

I know that we all approach these types of things differently. In the past, when I have known I would be starting Weight Watchers, or Keto, or any other diet, I have also had food funerals. I have binged on foods or quantities that were not going to be options after my “start date”. I realize now, however, that these moments of panicked indulgence were only reinforcing my unhealthy relationship with food.

How can I hope to be successful and develop a new, healthy approach to eating that will stay with me for the rest of my life, if I’m still treating Chipotle, Goldfish crackers, and pizza like forbidden fruit, to obsess over and mourn when no longer available?

Over the next few days I will have “bad” foods. I’m sure of it. There is a dark chocolate bar in the cupboard that has my name on it. But I am vowing to myself, right this moment, to not be crazy. I will enjoy reasonably sized portions of the foods I am fond of, with the understanding that I will be able to enjoy them again some day, just in smaller and even more reasonably sized portions. I will not view my upcoming low-carb and liquid diets as a death sentence for all of my favorite foods. I will not mourn them.

I am determined for my new normal to include a healthier relationship with food and there is no reason that can’t start right now.

A little over 4 months ago I wrote about burying my head in the sand and indulging. I just re-read the post for the first time since then and it ends on such a positive note. I talk about how, even though I go through phases of making poor choices, my stretches of good behavior are increasingly longer and more frequent. I talk about how I always pick myself up and try again (cue Pink song, “Try“).

Fast forward 4 months and this is the longest slump I have ever been in. I think that over the course of the past 8 months I have had perhaps 5 good days, if that. I really don’t even try anymore. I have gained 50 pounds in the last 8 months. Fifty. My clothes don’t fit, I feel terrible, my breathing is labored, it’s a struggle to walk. I genuinely don’t know how it happened. Well, of course I know HOW it happened- I quit paying attention and restricting myself and instead I just ate whatever I wanted. It’s the why that I’m unclear on.

Why did I give up? Why did I stop trying? What happened in my head that it suddenly felt insurmountable and I felt like it was no longer worth the effort or the struggle? Why did I let myself become this person again? This apathetic, obese, overindulgent, unhappy version of myself? This isn’t me. I have spent the last 5 years fending off this person, holding her at bay with my workout routines and food scale and weight loss apps. I didn’t think I would ever become her again and yet…

7 years ago I reached my highest weight. At 5’6″ I weighed 327 pounds. That number is burned into my brain like a brand on cattle. 327. I don’t know why that was the number that made me pull my head out of the sand, but that week I joined Weight Watchers (for probably the 8th time). That time, though, it helped. I lost 30 pounds and kept it off for awhile. Over the past 7 years I have roller-coastered down to 255, back up to 312, and down to 260, back up to 280, and then down to 245 (the weight I was at last March). But, like I said, I gained 50 of it back again.

It’s so exhausting. So incredibly mentally exhausting. And embarrassing.

This afternoon, in the privacy of my hotel room, I ate a bunch of junk food. I ate it because I could, not because I wanted to, or because I enjoyed it. I don’t think I even did enjoy it. I certainly don’t recall eating it. One moment I had a bunch of junk food, the next moment I did not. After years of trying so hard to keep control and feeling guilty whenever I slipped, there’s almost a euphoria in this self-destructive state of indifference. Like a kid in a candy shop, I suppose. Only eventually the kid in the candy shop runs out of nickels and/or his mom comes to get him. I don’t have those limitations. I have the money and the freedom to keep this up indefinitely. That’s the scary part. Without the motivation and drive I lost 8 months ago, what’s to stop me from making 327 a non-significant number, as my highest weight climbs higher still?

And so here I am, once again, feeling in my head and my heart that this has to stop, while knowing that I have been here so many times before. How many times have I written in a blog post, or a journal, “this ends today.” Or, “Starting tomorrow!” Or, “Never again.” And yet…

Eventually, I stopped trying to get back onto a ketogenic diet. My heart wasn’t in it and I was constantly at war with myself over what I was eating. Between my last post in December and today, nearly 9 months later, I have made minimal progress, if any.

For the first three months of the new year I was fairly successful with calorie restriction. I counted calories on most days and I was able to stay focused, knowing that I was going wedding dress shopping at the end of March. The day I found my dress I was at the lightest weight I had seen in perhaps 8 years. Despite being a solid size 18 and still 100 pounds overweight, I felt beautiful. After dress shopping I still had a few days in Portland with my family and I took full advantage of the amazing restaurants and yummy snacks, convinced I would get back to my healthy ways once I returned to Washington, DC.

Four months later I had gained 20 pounds. When I look back on it now, I’m not really sure what happened. I have periods of ostrichism and, in retrospect, that’s what those 4 months were. During that time I willfully stuck my head in the sand and indulged my unhealthy food cravings. Every couple of days I would attempt to pull myself out of my little hole of denial and count my calories, only to let myself get sucked right back in. I had no motivation and the longer I let myself hide from it, the harder it became to imagine success was even possible.

At one point I got my head straight. I felt terrific. I meticulously counted calories and exercised every day. I was proud of myself, I was happy, I was energetic, and I felt like I had finally found my groove. For ten days straight I was disciplined and doing great. And then I weighed myself. I had gained 1 pound. Ten days of hardcore effort and diligence and the scale went up.

Now, I know, rationally, that those ten days had a positive effect on my body, regardless of what the scale said. I know, rationally, that if I had remained consistent the weight would have eventually come off. But, emotionally, I was devastated. So much hard work and nothing to show for it. With over 100 pounds to lose and so little progress after 10 perfect days, my mountain felt insurmountable. I used the perceived defeat as an excuse to jump ship. Once again I tucked my head in the sand and ate.

In late August I flew back to Portland for a dress fitting with a seamstress. When I had purchased my dress in late March it had been loose and I knew it would need to be taken in. By the end of August it fit like a glove, no alterations necessary. Most brides-to-be lose weight in anticipation of their wedding. The pressure I had put on myself to do just that turned out to have had the opposite effect. Since I couldn’t be a “normal” weight for my wedding, why even try? And so I didn’t and, in fact, I gained.

It is now September. The last few days have been good. I am tracking my calories and trying to be less manic about food. I am getting married in one month and one day. Over the next month I hope to lose a little weight, but not too much, since I don’t want to have to alter the dress. At this point, I feel like just maintaining is a good goal, considering the roller coaster of the past year.

I really hope that someday I will have overcome this constant struggle. I know it will always be present in my life but I’m so tired of how large a role it has played, particularly over the past 10 years. Knowing myself, I’ll always pick my head up out of the sand and try again. I just can’t seem to keep my head up for long. On the bright side, though, the periods of ostrichism have gotten shorter over the years, and the periods of effort have gotten longer. But damn if this isn’t the longest road I’ve ever been on.

I made the realization awhile ago that one of the biggest impediments to my success on my weight loss journey is the television. For some reason, the television is interesting enough for me to want to watch it a few hours a night, but not interesting enough to captivate me completely. In order to remedy this, I often watch tv while eating. This, to me, is perfect. I love it. Eating mindlessly while watching tv is a reliable escape. It is inexplicably comforting to me and I look forward to it at the end of a day, stressful or not.

I have known this for awhile, and I have tried many times to curb this awful habit. I have forbidden myself from eating anywhere other than the kitchen table (earlier in this blog, as a matter of fact) which lasted all of 3 days. I have taken all of the “snack” foods out of the house (and then managed to create snack foods out of whatever was left). I have sworn off television, only to be sucked right back in.

The reason I have continually failed is because I like it so damn much. I really, sincerely enjoy eating and watching tv, and I suspect I am not alone. It’s a habit I learned from my parents and one that I have never quite been able to break.

I am now going to take a two-fold approach to this problem. Eating in front of the TV is okay. I’ve tried stopping and it just makes me bitter. What is not okay, is the amount I consume, and that I do so mindlessly. As long as I track everything I eat in myfitnesspal then it’s okay. It helps keep me honest and I can reflect back on it the next day with even more resolve to improve.

The other thing I’m going to work on is finding a different thing to do with my hands. I’m going to give counted cross stitch a shot. I tried this before with knitting, which sort of worked, but now I’m going to give it a shot with cross stitch.

Either way, I’ve been staying in Ketosis, which is a success in and of itself.

Today started out strong. I drank a liter of water before my daily coffee and didn’t eat anything until after 3 pm. But then boy did I eat. I don’t know why but I ate 2700 calories today.

I have three rules, currently. Track everything I eat in my fitness pal, stay under 30 carbs (but aim for less than 20), and talk about my day everyday at the end of the day with my SO. I also have goals, which are to eat less than 1600 calories per day, drink 5 liters of water per day (of those, no more than 2 liters of crystal light), and don’t eat after 8 pm. I only met the water goal today.

I just wanted to eat. And I didn’t want to stop myself. I couldn’t find a reason within myself to say no, it isn’t worth it to eat more. And so I ate. I wish I hadn’t. I gained nothing from it. I feel bad about it. And, what’s even more annoying, is that I know I’ll do it again. If not tomorrow maybe the next day. Sigh. I need to get into a solid routine where these things don’t happen but it’s so hard. Why is it so hard? Why do I sabotage myself?

My new plan of no longer eating and is very challenging. I was successful yesterday but this morning it was just so boring to sit and do nothing while I ate breakfast. So I planned in advance what I was going to eat and then I just ate that while I watched some TV. I think it still isn’t good though because the point is to get over the habit of multitasking with food.

Last night we went to Korean BBQ and I had some Bipimbop, or however that is spelled. It was delicious. I also had some dumplings. It wasn’t keto friendly, but I’m not upset about it because it wasn’t a blatant cheat, just a minor indiscretion. It’s hard to eat right when travelling so I can’t be too rough on myself or I’ll go a little crazy.

I’ve definitely been struggling with body image issues lately. I’ve just been feeling really fat the past few days, despite being the same weight that I’ve been for quite awhile. You’d think I would have adjusted to my current weight, or even felt good because I weigh 50 pounds less than I used to. It will always be a struggle, I suppose.

For lunch today I had a salad. I sat at the desk in my hotel room to eat my salad. I turned off the tv, turned off my music, and set my phone out of reach. I ate my salad and did absolutely nothing else.

It was hard. Eating is so boring! It felt like it was taking hours to eat my salad. And I had to keep stopping myself from doing other things. First I reached for my phone so I could log what I was eating on myfitnesspal. I stopped myself. Then I started reading the back of the salad packaging and again I stopped myself. It is incredibly difficult to just eat.

When I got back from the San Francisco regional office I sat on my bed to eat dinner, again with all electronic devices turned off. Again, it was boring. I found it a little more peaceful this time though. Less rushed than before. I just sat and ate and thought about my day. I had laid out my food in front of me, carefully measured to stay within my carbohydrate and calorie counts for the day. I patiently ate my cheese and then my almonds. It was nice.

The almonds were particularly tasty and I still have quite a few left in the bag. But the urge to eat them while watching The Walking Dead wasn’t there because eating and isn’t an option. I did drink some decaf though.

I am proud of myself for sticking to my plan. I’m not hungry, and I feel good about my success for the day.

On a side note, I find it very challenging to get enough fat in this diet. Well, enough fat without getting too much protein. The meats and cheeses I eat all contain so much protein. The only strictly fat item that I have is the heavy cream I put in my coffee. Trying to eat 65% fat, 30% protein, and 5% carbs is proving quite tricky. Today my macros came out to 61/33/6. Not great but close.