How crazy is that? I am now 100 pounds lighter than my highest weight. One hundred pounds!

It’s hard to wrap my head around that much weight. It’s hard to imagine that I used to carry that around with me everywhere I went.

It’s also hard to remember what 327 looked and felt like. When I look at photos of myself from that time I don’t feel much different. I’m still obese (such an ugly word), and I still have a long way to go. Day to day, I still think I look like that 327 pound girl.

But I don’t. When I put photos side-by-side I see that I don’t. It’s going to take my brain a long time to catch up to my body, though, and create a new self image.

On another note, I just got back from a 10 day vacation, during which time I continued to lose weight. It feels good to know that I can still make good decisions while traveling. I did indulge in cookies and a bite of fudge here or there, but I also ate protein bars and chicken regularly and said no to cherry pie and ice-cream. I feel good.

Today marks my six-month surgery anniversary. I just realized that a moment ago. I initially came on here to write to myself, clear as day, I AM NOT HUNGRY. I feel the need to write that sentence, in capital letters no less, because I want to eat. A lot. And I really, truly, am NOT hungry.

The hubby and I went to Trader Joe’s and Harris Teeter today. The kitchen, just ten feet from where I currently sit, is overflowing with food. There is string cheese and goldfish crackers, lean cuisine pizza, potstickers, cheese and crackers, yogurt, chicken strips.. the list goes on. While bingeing no longer means Velveeta mac, Papa John’s, and/or Ben and Jerry’s, it is still a very real possibility for me to eat more than I should, semi-healthy or not.

My particular vice is goldfish crackers. It always has been. I shouldn’t have bought them. Sometimes I’m really good and I don’t buy them for months. But lately I haven’t been as strong. My new tummy doesn’t let me eat an entire bag in one sitting, like I used to, but I can certainly eat 2 or 3 servings without batting an eye. Munching on goldfish while watching TV… old habits die so hard. I had some goldfish earlier today and then I put the bag away. I actually don’t want them right now; the craving has been sated. But my mind is cataloging the contents of the cupboards and the fridge, imagining what else I could eat.

Last week I had my 6 month check-up with my surgeon (a week early). He said I’m doing great and I’m right on track. He also said they anticipate another 10 to 20 pounds of weight loss for me. Twenty more pounds would put me at 85 pounds lost, or just about 60% of my excess body weight. A 60% loss is average for VSG patients and considered a success. But I would also still be more than 50 pounds from a “healthy” BMI.

I don’t want to stop at 20 pounds from now. I may not make it all the way to “healthy” but I certainly want to make it to ONEderland! I asked my doctor what, in his experience working with patients, prevented people from losing 100% of their excess weight, or at least more than 60%. I knew the answer but I was hoping for some kind of magical advice that would keep me from being like everyone else.

“Old habits die hard,” he said. “At this point, you’re able to eat whatever you want again. You can snack. You can exceed your calorie limit. People get lazy, they stop being careful, and they get complacent.”

I told him that I would not be one of those people. I told him that I have a goal to lose 50 more pounds and I’m going to do it! He told me he knew that I could, it would just be a matter of actually doing it.

And now here I sit, not one week later, trying to convince myself not to make that lean cuisine pizza. The last six months have been hard emotionally and, at times, physically as well, but at least the weight dropped off consistently. I also lost my hair, experienced “dumping”, and fought back vomit more times than I’d like to admit. But the number on the scale just kept going down. Today, for the first time, it went up. Just a tiny bit, but it went up.

Now comes the hard part. The last 6 months have all just been preparation for the next 6 months. Using the momentum I’ve been given to get myself in gear and not let myself be “average”. I can do this.

Last year I was doing a ketogenic diet which requires participants to hydrate much more than normal. My goal during that period was 4 liters of water and/or Crystal Light per day. Juice, soda, and coffee didn’t count.

Looking back on it now, I’m incredibly impressed that I regularly met my goal because I currently strive for 64 ounces per day and I find it very challenging. True, I can no longer chug a Nalgene of water in 2 minutes without fear of my stomach bursting (that wouldn’t really happen, would it?) but I am able to take pretty big gulps now. I actually remember, shortly after surgery, wondering if my days of gulping beverages were behind me. I had read the blog post of a woman who was 1 year out from surgery say that she could still only sip.

Thank Frank that hasn’t been my reality. I can take pretty big swigs from my water bottle and it feels great. But, I’m a slacker and I’m not as diligent about it as I need to be. I would dare to say that I always get in at least 48 ounces of liquid but I’m supposed to be getting closer to 70. I know I feel better when I’m hydrated and things flow better, if you know what I mean, but sometimes I forget or get distracted, or I’m lazy.

And then I find myself, like tonight, at 11:30PM with 32 ounces still to drink, approaching stomach-bursting territory. Wish me luck!

Well, it appears that keeping a blog to document my progress post bariatric surgery did not go as planned. I thought I would want to blog about it. I thought it would consume my thoughts in the same way that my endless dieting has for the past ten years, and that I would be itching to write it all out in an online journal.

It turns out, I am not as defined by my surgery as I thought I would be. Having a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) has been life changing; there is no doubt about that. In less than 6 months I have lost more than 60 pounds and I approach food in an entirely different way than before. But, whereas before I felt enslaved to my relationship with food, I now feel free. And that freedom means I no longer obsess over the next meal, or how I screwed up on the last one and ate too much.

Now I just live my life. I eat periodically, in small amounts. I have to make an effort to get in enough protein, which can sometimes be annoying but if I choose chicken instead of rice (as an example) then I’m usually fine. Last night my husband and I went to an Indian restaurant (my favorite cuisine). We split chicken tikka masala with naan, of which he ate the majority. I ate a quarter slice of naan with some chunks of chicken and a little rice, all smothered in delicious sauce, and that was it. I was done. I couldn’t fit another bite and I didn’t need to.

In my previous life I would have eaten an entire order of chicken tikka masala myself, and been annoyed if I had only one serving of naan. That’s the beauty of my new tummy- I don’t eat much and I don’t want more. But that’s my life now that I have adjusted. There was certainly a lot of frustration in the first couple of months as I tried to eat and couldn’t. I wasn’t losing weight because I was eating too little (400 calories a day) but it was such a pain to eat more than that. And then it was constant trial and error to see what my stomach could stand and what it couldn’t.

Eventually, I could handle most things and suddenly I found that I could eat too much, once again. I think I am still physically incapable of overeating to the extent I used to. I can’t imagine how I could possibly have a 3,000 or 4,000 calorie day. But I am certainly capable of getting in 2,000 calories if I graze and make unhealthy choices. So I started tracking calories again with a goal of eating between 1,200 and 1,400 per day. Tracking is tiresome but it is what has always worked best for me, even before the surgery. My sleeve makes it so I am not hungry on only 1,200 calories per day, but it does not prevent me from exceeding that amount. In that way the sleeve is a tool, not a cure.

I still struggle with my desire to snack, especially while watching TV. I imagine I will always struggle with it. I will always love cheese and crackers, and chips and salsa. But now I have a few and I put the rest away. This surgery has been life changing, if only because it has helped me move past my unhealthy relationship with food and start treating it like it is- something to help me live, not something to be lived for.

The last few days have all been fairly similar in terms of my physical condition. My stomach muscles are sore, especially when sitting in certain positions or getting up from a chair, but I am able to tolerate most liquids pretty well. My protein shakes go down fairly smoothly, which is great. Right now I’m getting in about 300 calories per day, usually in the form of 2 Unjury protein shakes made with unsweetened almond milk, which I drink throughout the day. I also have been getting in about 32 ounces of diluted Crystal Light. Once a day I’ll usually have a sugar free popsicle, too.

I feel pretty great, physically. It’s hard to remember how horrendous those first two days were, now that I’m feeling closer to normal again.

Today I’m dealing more with the mental side effects of the surgery. Although I’m never hungry, I want to eat. My husband had a quesadilla for dinner this evening (one of my favorite foods) and I really wanted some. It smelled amazing. There was no chance I would eat it, considering I have absolutely no desire to test my new tummy, but the craving was there, in full force.

I don’t know what I expected. It’s not like the surgery took out my scent glands so I wouldn’t be able to smell good food. It also wasn’t a lobotomy that would prevent me from craving my old favorites. A lot of people talk about how the gastric sleeve surgery removes the portion of your stomach that produces the hormone Ghrelin, which stimulates appetite. I’ve read blogs where people attribute their success in large part to not having that hormone anymore.

The program director at the hospital told me it was all hooey. I don’t think he was dismissing anyone else’s experience as much as trying to lower my expectations. I dismissed him, though, in favor of anecdotal evidence, and had this idea that I would just no longer want food ever, at all, unless it was a protein shake to satiate my hunger.

Oh, naive me. Of course that’s not how this works. The cravings are still there. The desire is still there. Only 6 days out and the head hunger is DEFINITELY there. It sounds like it disappears for some people, but it did not disappear for me.

So, I got a little depressed. I got a little frustrated that I couldn’t have a quesadilla. I have an unhealthy relationship with food (hence needing the surgery) and now I am annoyed that I cannot continue down that unhealthy path. I have to assume that this frustration will pass. I have to assume that once I actually can see the results of the surgery I will be happier with the success than with not having a bowl of ice cream. For now, though, my belly is still swollen, I don’t feel any lighter, and I want a damned quesadilla.

Sigh. This too shall pass.

I’m feeling infinitely better today. I’ve only had to take pain medication once, and that was after going for a nice walk with my husband outside. I did get a little light-headed during the walk, but that’s not so strange considering I’ve only had around 1,000 calories in the last 5 days. Maybe not even that many.

My stomach still doesn’t tolerate water lately, which is apparently fairly common. I am able to get protein shakes down just fine and it turns out my new tummy loves chicken broth! I was able to drink 8oz of chicken broth before the broth got cold. Pretty awesome.

My weight loss program director called to check on me this afternoon and he said that I’m progressing as expected, I just have to make sure I’m getting enough fluids. I did try to eat my Opurity chewable multi-vitamin today but that didn’t go very well. I got very flushed and felt like vomiting. It stayed down, but I think I’m going to hold off on trying that again for a little bit.

Anyway, there is nothing else new to report. Feeling pretty good!

I woke up this morning with no pain. None! It was kind of amazing. I just laid there, basking in the nothingness. It was glorious.

Eventually I began to feel some pain again so I took some oxy and began my attempts at hydrating.

I’m kind of nervous about dehydration. It still isn’t very comfortable to drink anything so I have a hard time imagining that I will be able to get in the required 32-64 ounces of fluids per day. I really do try, though. Sip, sip, sip. Interestingly, my stomach tolerates Crystal Light much better than water. I’m not sure why. I remember hearing people say their stomach didn’t tolerate water and thinking, “How? How could your stomach not tolerate water? That’s like not tolerating breathing!” But now I understand. It’s just more painful for some reason. Harsher. So I’m drinking CL. It’s a little too sweet for me though, so I dilute it.

I get up and walk around at least every 4 hours and I try to do everything myself, without asking my husband for help. He did go to the grocery store for me, though, to get some sugar free popsicles. We were both a little disappointed that those turned out to be a little bit of a bust, though. They just taste way too sweet. My taste buds have definitely changed. I used to love those things.

In a little bit I’m going to see if I can get down some protein shake. I really liked the Unjury Chocolate Splendor pre-surgery. I’m hopeful I’ll still find it at least slightly palatable. So far it is 2:00PM and I’ve only had 16oz of fluids today. If I get too dehydrated I’ll have to go to the ER, which I really don’t want. Ugh. I just have to try harder. Wish me luck!

This morning I woke up feeling much better. I am still uncomfortable but the pain in my back has subsided substantially. I can even find positions in bed where I feel almost no pain. It’s such a relief. And, I was able to get down nearly a cup of chicken broth! Over the course of 2 hours, of course.

My stomach is still very irritable, which is to be expected, and I don’t actually enjoy sipping water or chicken broth, but I know it’s important to stay hydrated. They have taken away my PCA pump and now I’m on oxycodone pills every 4 hours. At first I would gag and feel nauseas when I swallowed the pills but now I can keep them down okay.

Walking around feels great. On surgery day I could only walk to the end of the hall and back. Today I’m doing laps to the end of my hall and the hall for the other recovery wing. I’m really looking forward to being home, with some privacy, though. My roommate has been a little challenging and the nurses are constantly in and out. Although I haven’t done much the past few days, I still feel like I really need to sleep.

I was discharged around 11:30AM and the car ride home was very uncomfortable. I got pretty nauseas with all the turning and although my husband drives well, we have a stick shift, which isn’t always the smoothest ride. I was glad to have my pillow with me to press against my tummy.

When I got home I immediately crawled into the guest bed to try to overcome the nausea. Eventually I felt well enough to use the restroom and take a shower. The shower was one of the most wonderful things I have ever experienced. I stood under the hot water and finally felt relaxed for the first time in days.

After showering I put on some clean clothes, filled up a little 16oz bottle with Crystal Light, and climbed back into the guest bed. I am now very grateful that we went the extra mile on the guest bed and got a quality memory foam mattress. I took my prescribed dose of oxy and got genuinely comfortable before passing out for 5 hours.

Today my stomach is still very sensitive and it is still difficult to drink enough, but I feel immensely better than yesterday. And I don’t feel as much regret or depression. My intestines are making all kinds of noises fairly constantly but for the most part I think I’m going to survive this crazy experience! I’m going to go do laps around the living room and then head back to bed.

(Warning: This is not a happy post)

Yesterday my program director told me that surgery day would feel like I was hit by a big bus but the next day (today) would feel more like being hit by a short bus.

He was wrong.

I didn’t think it was possible but I feel worse today than I did yesterday. At least yesterday I was in a drug induced haze. Today, I am more aware and man does it hurt. There was no small bus. I was definitely hit by a semi-truck.

The day started with waking up to having my vitals taken and struggling to fall back to sleep. I have a PCA pump (Patient Controlled Analgesia) that allows me to give myself a hit of dilauded every 15 minutes. It isn’t helping. Well, it probably is, but it sure doesn’t seem like it. The pain in my back is just as bad as it was yesterday and now I have nausea and dry heaving to contend with. I feel absolutely miserable.

Today, I regret this decision. I just had most of my stomach cut away. What the hell was I thinking? I’m dying of thirst but I can’t swallow anything. They brought me chicken broth, Crystal Light, and protein shakes but even a tiny sip makes me gag. I feel like I swallowed a steak whole and it is stuck in my esophagus, causing intense and constant discomfort.

The only time I feel even remotely soothed is when I walk around the hall, trailing my IV pole. I’m still in pain but it is impressively less when I move around. Unfortunately, I get really tired really quickly so I eventually return to my bed, craving comfort and sleep. I cannot find them.

At 8AM I was rolled to another area to do my leak test. The machine was weird and uncomfortable and by this point I had tears in my eyes from the sheer discomfort of everything. I swallowed some very nasty tasting fluid and they x-rayed it as it traveled through my new stomach. This isn’t my photo, but this is what it looked like:

The white is the fluid moving through my stomach, and it didn’t come out anywhere it wasn’t supposed to, which is great news. My body, however, was not thrilled with the liquid and attempted to throw it back up. After some very painful dry heaves, I finally made it back to my room where I pressed my PCA pump and tried to go back to sleep.

I really did not expect any of what I experienced today. I did not expect to be in so much pain, nor did I expect to be so full of regret. I didn’t expect to experience the depression I felt, either. It was really just an incredibly miserable day. I felt like I would never get better. I hadn’t read anything about anyone feeling this way so I thought I must be unique. No one in any of the blogs I had read or videos I had watched, had described this kind of misery and regret.

The doctor came by in the afternoon to tell me they would be keeping me another night. I am not surprised. I am in no condition, or spirit, to go home. I just want to crawl into a hole and pass out.

(This Post was written after the fact and back dated, since I was in no condition to write on surgery day.)

I got to the hospital with my husband, D, at 8:30 AM on Thursday, February 6, 2014. I brought my Kindle, my laptop, my pillow, and a couple of pairs of underwear, as well as some loose fitting clothing.

D and I spent some time in the waiting room before being called back to an exam room, where I stripped down to nothing and put on a gown. I had showered the night before, washing my belly with special soap, and then showered again before heading to the hospital. I provided a urine sample where they confirmed that I was not pregnant (thank Frank!).

The staff were all very friendly and helpful. Per protocol they asked me my name and why I was there about a million times. I met briefly with the surgical nurse, my surgeon, my program director, the anesthesiologist, and the anesthesiologist’s assistant. I wasn’t nervous, though D definitely was. I answered some questions and signed some consent forms and eventually kissed D goodbye. The next thing I know, I was out.

There was no gradual progression toward sleep, no counting backward. I remember saying goodbye to my husband and then 1 second later I was being woken up, and I was in the most incredible pain of my life.

I had been expecting shoulder pain as a result of the gas leftover in your system, but for me the pain centered between my shoulder blades. It was as though I had slept with a large rock between my shoulder blades for an entire night. The pain was indescribable. I’m sure there was abdominal pain as well, but all I remember was my back. Despite the dilauded and toradol that they were pumping into my IV, I was never without the pain. It was impossible to get comfortable or to sleep very well, and nothing seemed to help.

My husband says that when I got to my room after the surgery I could barely open my eyes and I didn’t speak much. That seems about right. I don’t remember much about the rest of the day except that I was incredibly thirsty, in a lot of pain, and I kept getting woken up every 4 hours for the nurses to take my vitals (blood pressure, oxygenation, temperature). Oh, and I had compression sleeves on my legs to prevent blood clots.

I also remember the surgeon stopping by to tell me I did great and that tomorrow I would feel much better. Mostly I just drifted in and out of consciousness, always attempting, unsuccessfully, to find a comfortable sleeping position.