(Warning: This is not a happy post)

Yesterday my program director told me that surgery day would feel like I was hit by a big bus but the next day (today) would feel more like being hit by a short bus.

He was wrong.

I didn’t think it was possible but I feel worse today than I did yesterday. At least yesterday I was in a drug induced haze. Today, I am more aware and man does it hurt. There was no small bus. I was definitely hit by a semi-truck.

The day started with waking up to having my vitals taken and struggling to fall back to sleep. I have a PCA pump (Patient Controlled Analgesia) that allows me to give myself a hit of dilauded every 15 minutes. It isn’t helping. Well, it probably is, but it sure doesn’t seem like it. The pain in my back is just as bad as it was yesterday and now I have nausea and dry heaving to contend with. I feel absolutely miserable.

Today, I regret this decision. I just had most of my stomach cut away. What the hell was I thinking? I’m dying of thirst but I can’t swallow anything. They brought me chicken broth, Crystal Light, and protein shakes but even a tiny sip makes me gag. I feel like I swallowed a steak whole and it is stuck in my esophagus, causing intense and constant discomfort.

The only time I feel even remotely soothed is when I walk around the hall, trailing my IV pole. I’m still in pain but it is impressively less when I move around. Unfortunately, I get really tired really quickly so I eventually return to my bed, craving comfort and sleep. I cannot find them.

At 8AM I was rolled to another area to do my leak test. The machine was weird and uncomfortable and by this point I had tears in my eyes from the sheer discomfort of everything. I swallowed some very nasty tasting fluid and they x-rayed it as it traveled through my new stomach. This isn’t my photo, but this is what it looked like:

The white is the fluid moving through my stomach, and it didn’t come out anywhere it wasn’t supposed to, which is great news. My body, however, was not thrilled with the liquid and attempted to throw it back up. After some very painful dry heaves, I finally made it back to my room where I pressed my PCA pump and tried to go back to sleep.

I really did not expect any of what I experienced today. I did not expect to be in so much pain, nor did I expect to be so full of regret. I didn’t expect to experience the depression I felt, either. It was really just an incredibly miserable day. I felt like I would never get better. I hadn’t read anything about anyone feeling this way so I thought I must be unique. No one in any of the blogs I had read or videos I had watched, had described this kind of misery and regret.

The doctor came by in the afternoon to tell me they would be keeping me another night. I am not surprised. I am in no condition, or spirit, to go home. I just want to crawl into a hole and pass out.