Today marks my six-month surgery anniversary. I just realized that a moment ago. I initially came on here to write to myself, clear as day, I AM NOT HUNGRY. I feel the need to write that sentence, in capital letters no less, because I want to eat. A lot. And I really, truly, am NOT hungry.
The hubby and I went to Trader Joe’s and Harris Teeter today. The kitchen, just ten feet from where I currently sit, is overflowing with food. There is string cheese and goldfish crackers, lean cuisine pizza, potstickers, cheese and crackers, yogurt, chicken strips.. the list goes on. While bingeing no longer means Velveeta mac, Papa John’s, and/or Ben and Jerry’s, it is still a very real possibility for me to eat more than I should, semi-healthy or not.
My particular vice is goldfish crackers. It always has been. I shouldn’t have bought them. Sometimes I’m really good and I don’t buy them for months. But lately I haven’t been as strong. My new tummy doesn’t let me eat an entire bag in one sitting, like I used to, but I can certainly eat 2 or 3 servings without batting an eye. Munching on goldfish while watching TV… old habits die so hard. I had some goldfish earlier today and then I put the bag away. I actually don’t want them right now; the craving has been sated. But my mind is cataloging the contents of the cupboards and the fridge, imagining what else I could eat.
Last week I had my 6 month check-up with my surgeon (a week early). He said I’m doing great and I’m right on track. He also said they anticipate another 10 to 20 pounds of weight loss for me. Twenty more pounds would put me at 85 pounds lost, or just about 60% of my excess body weight. A 60% loss is average for VSG patients and considered a success. But I would also still be more than 50 pounds from a “healthy” BMI.
I don’t want to stop at 20 pounds from now. I may not make it all the way to “healthy” but I certainly want to make it to ONEderland! I asked my doctor what, in his experience working with patients, prevented people from losing 100% of their excess weight, or at least more than 60%. I knew the answer but I was hoping for some kind of magical advice that would keep me from being like everyone else.
“Old habits die hard,” he said. “At this point, you’re able to eat whatever you want again. You can snack. You can exceed your calorie limit. People get lazy, they stop being careful, and they get complacent.”
I told him that I would not be one of those people. I told him that I have a goal to lose 50 more pounds and I’m going to do it! He told me he knew that I could, it would just be a matter of actually doing it.
And now here I sit, not one week later, trying to convince myself not to make that lean cuisine pizza. The last six months have been hard emotionally and, at times, physically as well, but at least the weight dropped off consistently. I also lost my hair, experienced “dumping”, and fought back vomit more times than I’d like to admit. But the number on the scale just kept going down. Today, for the first time, it went up. Just a tiny bit, but it went up.
Now comes the hard part. The last 6 months have all just been preparation for the next 6 months. Using the momentum I’ve been given to get myself in gear and not let myself be “average”. I can do this.
