Well, it appears that keeping a blog to document my progress post bariatric surgery did not go as planned. I thought I would want to blog about it. I thought it would consume my thoughts in the same way that my endless dieting has for the past ten years, and that I would be itching to write it all out in an online journal.

It turns out, I am not as defined by my surgery as I thought I would be. Having a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) has been life changing; there is no doubt about that. In less than 6 months I have lost more than 60 pounds and I approach food in an entirely different way than before. But, whereas before I felt enslaved to my relationship with food, I now feel free. And that freedom means I no longer obsess over the next meal, or how I screwed up on the last one and ate too much.

Now I just live my life. I eat periodically, in small amounts. I have to make an effort to get in enough protein, which can sometimes be annoying but if I choose chicken instead of rice (as an example) then I’m usually fine. Last night my husband and I went to an Indian restaurant (my favorite cuisine). We split chicken tikka masala with naan, of which he ate the majority. I ate a quarter slice of naan with some chunks of chicken and a little rice, all smothered in delicious sauce, and that was it. I was done. I couldn’t fit another bite and I didn’t need to.

In my previous life I would have eaten an entire order of chicken tikka masala myself, and been annoyed if I had only one serving of naan. That’s the beauty of my new tummy- I don’t eat much and I don’t want more. But that’s my life now that I have adjusted. There was certainly a lot of frustration in the first couple of months as I tried to eat and couldn’t. I wasn’t losing weight because I was eating too little (400 calories a day) but it was such a pain to eat more than that. And then it was constant trial and error to see what my stomach could stand and what it couldn’t.

Eventually, I could handle most things and suddenly I found that I could eat too much, once again. I think I am still physically incapable of overeating to the extent I used to. I can’t imagine how I could possibly have a 3,000 or 4,000 calorie day. But I am certainly capable of getting in 2,000 calories if I graze and make unhealthy choices. So I started tracking calories again with a goal of eating between 1,200 and 1,400 per day. Tracking is tiresome but it is what has always worked best for me, even before the surgery. My sleeve makes it so I am not hungry on only 1,200 calories per day, but it does not prevent me from exceeding that amount. In that way the sleeve is a tool, not a cure.

I still struggle with my desire to snack, especially while watching TV. I imagine I will always struggle with it. I will always love cheese and crackers, and chips and salsa. But now I have a few and I put the rest away. This surgery has been life changing, if only because it has helped me move past my unhealthy relationship with food and start treating it like it is- something to help me live, not something to be lived for.