The last few days have all been fairly similar in terms of my physical condition. My stomach muscles are sore, especially when sitting in certain positions or getting up from a chair, but I am able to tolerate most liquids pretty well. My protein shakes go down fairly smoothly, which is great. Right now I’m getting in about 300 calories per day, usually in the form of 2 Unjury protein shakes made with unsweetened almond milk, which I drink throughout the day. I also have been getting in about 32 ounces of diluted Crystal Light. Once a day I’ll usually have a sugar free popsicle, too.

I feel pretty great, physically. It’s hard to remember how horrendous those first two days were, now that I’m feeling closer to normal again.

Today I’m dealing more with the mental side effects of the surgery. Although I’m never hungry, I want to eat. My husband had a quesadilla for dinner this evening (one of my favorite foods) and I really wanted some. It smelled amazing. There was no chance I would eat it, considering I have absolutely no desire to test my new tummy, but the craving was there, in full force.

I don’t know what I expected. It’s not like the surgery took out my scent glands so I wouldn’t be able to smell good food. It also wasn’t a lobotomy that would prevent me from craving my old favorites. A lot of people talk about how the gastric sleeve surgery removes the portion of your stomach that produces the hormone Ghrelin, which stimulates appetite. I’ve read blogs where people attribute their success in large part to not having that hormone anymore.

The program director at the hospital told me it was all hooey. I don’t think he was dismissing anyone else’s experience as much as trying to lower my expectations. I dismissed him, though, in favor of anecdotal evidence, and had this idea that I would just no longer want food ever, at all, unless it was a protein shake to satiate my hunger.

Oh, naive me. Of course that’s not how this works. The cravings are still there. The desire is still there. Only 6 days out and the head hunger is DEFINITELY there. It sounds like it disappears for some people, but it did not disappear for me.

So, I got a little depressed. I got a little frustrated that I couldn’t have a quesadilla. I have an unhealthy relationship with food (hence needing the surgery) and now I am annoyed that I cannot continue down that unhealthy path. I have to assume that this frustration will pass. I have to assume that once I actually can see the results of the surgery I will be happier with the success than with not having a bowl of ice cream. For now, though, my belly is still swollen, I don’t feel any lighter, and I want a damned quesadilla.

Sigh. This too shall pass.

I’m feeling infinitely better today. I’ve only had to take pain medication once, and that was after going for a nice walk with my husband outside. I did get a little light-headed during the walk, but that’s not so strange considering I’ve only had around 1,000 calories in the last 5 days. Maybe not even that many.

My stomach still doesn’t tolerate water lately, which is apparently fairly common. I am able to get protein shakes down just fine and it turns out my new tummy loves chicken broth! I was able to drink 8oz of chicken broth before the broth got cold. Pretty awesome.

My weight loss program director called to check on me this afternoon and he said that I’m progressing as expected, I just have to make sure I’m getting enough fluids. I did try to eat my Opurity chewable multi-vitamin today but that didn’t go very well. I got very flushed and felt like vomiting. It stayed down, but I think I’m going to hold off on trying that again for a little bit.

Anyway, there is nothing else new to report. Feeling pretty good!

I woke up this morning with no pain. None! It was kind of amazing. I just laid there, basking in the nothingness. It was glorious.

Eventually I began to feel some pain again so I took some oxy and began my attempts at hydrating.

I’m kind of nervous about dehydration. It still isn’t very comfortable to drink anything so I have a hard time imagining that I will be able to get in the required 32-64 ounces of fluids per day. I really do try, though. Sip, sip, sip. Interestingly, my stomach tolerates Crystal Light much better than water. I’m not sure why. I remember hearing people say their stomach didn’t tolerate water and thinking, “How? How could your stomach not tolerate water? That’s like not tolerating breathing!” But now I understand. It’s just more painful for some reason. Harsher. So I’m drinking CL. It’s a little too sweet for me though, so I dilute it.

I get up and walk around at least every 4 hours and I try to do everything myself, without asking my husband for help. He did go to the grocery store for me, though, to get some sugar free popsicles. We were both a little disappointed that those turned out to be a little bit of a bust, though. They just taste way too sweet. My taste buds have definitely changed. I used to love those things.

In a little bit I’m going to see if I can get down some protein shake. I really liked the Unjury Chocolate Splendor pre-surgery. I’m hopeful I’ll still find it at least slightly palatable. So far it is 2:00PM and I’ve only had 16oz of fluids today. If I get too dehydrated I’ll have to go to the ER, which I really don’t want. Ugh. I just have to try harder. Wish me luck!

This morning I woke up feeling much better. I am still uncomfortable but the pain in my back has subsided substantially. I can even find positions in bed where I feel almost no pain. It’s such a relief. And, I was able to get down nearly a cup of chicken broth! Over the course of 2 hours, of course.

My stomach is still very irritable, which is to be expected, and I don’t actually enjoy sipping water or chicken broth, but I know it’s important to stay hydrated. They have taken away my PCA pump and now I’m on oxycodone pills every 4 hours. At first I would gag and feel nauseas when I swallowed the pills but now I can keep them down okay.

Walking around feels great. On surgery day I could only walk to the end of the hall and back. Today I’m doing laps to the end of my hall and the hall for the other recovery wing. I’m really looking forward to being home, with some privacy, though. My roommate has been a little challenging and the nurses are constantly in and out. Although I haven’t done much the past few days, I still feel like I really need to sleep.

I was discharged around 11:30AM and the car ride home was very uncomfortable. I got pretty nauseas with all the turning and although my husband drives well, we have a stick shift, which isn’t always the smoothest ride. I was glad to have my pillow with me to press against my tummy.

When I got home I immediately crawled into the guest bed to try to overcome the nausea. Eventually I felt well enough to use the restroom and take a shower. The shower was one of the most wonderful things I have ever experienced. I stood under the hot water and finally felt relaxed for the first time in days.

After showering I put on some clean clothes, filled up a little 16oz bottle with Crystal Light, and climbed back into the guest bed. I am now very grateful that we went the extra mile on the guest bed and got a quality memory foam mattress. I took my prescribed dose of oxy and got genuinely comfortable before passing out for 5 hours.

Today my stomach is still very sensitive and it is still difficult to drink enough, but I feel immensely better than yesterday. And I don’t feel as much regret or depression. My intestines are making all kinds of noises fairly constantly but for the most part I think I’m going to survive this crazy experience! I’m going to go do laps around the living room and then head back to bed.

(Warning: This is not a happy post)

Yesterday my program director told me that surgery day would feel like I was hit by a big bus but the next day (today) would feel more like being hit by a short bus.

He was wrong.

I didn’t think it was possible but I feel worse today than I did yesterday. At least yesterday I was in a drug induced haze. Today, I am more aware and man does it hurt. There was no small bus. I was definitely hit by a semi-truck.

The day started with waking up to having my vitals taken and struggling to fall back to sleep. I have a PCA pump (Patient Controlled Analgesia) that allows me to give myself a hit of dilauded every 15 minutes. It isn’t helping. Well, it probably is, but it sure doesn’t seem like it. The pain in my back is just as bad as it was yesterday and now I have nausea and dry heaving to contend with. I feel absolutely miserable.

Today, I regret this decision. I just had most of my stomach cut away. What the hell was I thinking? I’m dying of thirst but I can’t swallow anything. They brought me chicken broth, Crystal Light, and protein shakes but even a tiny sip makes me gag. I feel like I swallowed a steak whole and it is stuck in my esophagus, causing intense and constant discomfort.

The only time I feel even remotely soothed is when I walk around the hall, trailing my IV pole. I’m still in pain but it is impressively less when I move around. Unfortunately, I get really tired really quickly so I eventually return to my bed, craving comfort and sleep. I cannot find them.

At 8AM I was rolled to another area to do my leak test. The machine was weird and uncomfortable and by this point I had tears in my eyes from the sheer discomfort of everything. I swallowed some very nasty tasting fluid and they x-rayed it as it traveled through my new stomach. This isn’t my photo, but this is what it looked like:

The white is the fluid moving through my stomach, and it didn’t come out anywhere it wasn’t supposed to, which is great news. My body, however, was not thrilled with the liquid and attempted to throw it back up. After some very painful dry heaves, I finally made it back to my room where I pressed my PCA pump and tried to go back to sleep.

I really did not expect any of what I experienced today. I did not expect to be in so much pain, nor did I expect to be so full of regret. I didn’t expect to experience the depression I felt, either. It was really just an incredibly miserable day. I felt like I would never get better. I hadn’t read anything about anyone feeling this way so I thought I must be unique. No one in any of the blogs I had read or videos I had watched, had described this kind of misery and regret.

The doctor came by in the afternoon to tell me they would be keeping me another night. I am not surprised. I am in no condition, or spirit, to go home. I just want to crawl into a hole and pass out.

(This Post was written after the fact and back dated, since I was in no condition to write on surgery day.)

I got to the hospital with my husband, D, at 8:30 AM on Thursday, February 6, 2014. I brought my Kindle, my laptop, my pillow, and a couple of pairs of underwear, as well as some loose fitting clothing.

D and I spent some time in the waiting room before being called back to an exam room, where I stripped down to nothing and put on a gown. I had showered the night before, washing my belly with special soap, and then showered again before heading to the hospital. I provided a urine sample where they confirmed that I was not pregnant (thank Frank!).

The staff were all very friendly and helpful. Per protocol they asked me my name and why I was there about a million times. I met briefly with the surgical nurse, my surgeon, my program director, the anesthesiologist, and the anesthesiologist’s assistant. I wasn’t nervous, though D definitely was. I answered some questions and signed some consent forms and eventually kissed D goodbye. The next thing I know, I was out.

There was no gradual progression toward sleep, no counting backward. I remember saying goodbye to my husband and then 1 second later I was being woken up, and I was in the most incredible pain of my life.

I had been expecting shoulder pain as a result of the gas leftover in your system, but for me the pain centered between my shoulder blades. It was as though I had slept with a large rock between my shoulder blades for an entire night. The pain was indescribable. I’m sure there was abdominal pain as well, but all I remember was my back. Despite the dilauded and toradol that they were pumping into my IV, I was never without the pain. It was impossible to get comfortable or to sleep very well, and nothing seemed to help.

My husband says that when I got to my room after the surgery I could barely open my eyes and I didn’t speak much. That seems about right. I don’t remember much about the rest of the day except that I was incredibly thirsty, in a lot of pain, and I kept getting woken up every 4 hours for the nurses to take my vitals (blood pressure, oxygenation, temperature). Oh, and I had compression sleeves on my legs to prevent blood clots.

I also remember the surgeon stopping by to tell me I did great and that tomorrow I would feel much better. Mostly I just drifted in and out of consciousness, always attempting, unsuccessfully, to find a comfortable sleeping position.

Last Tuesday (Jan 28) I had my final appointment with the Program Director and my surgeon. It went pretty well. They made sure to reiterate that the surgery is a tool, not a cure, and made sure I understood what the next few weeks will look like.

I had a lot of random questions that all got answered and I felt comfortable and ready when I left the doctor’s office.

At that point I was on a low card diet, though I cheated some on Thursday, the day before I was set to start my liquid diet. I had some pizza for lunch. It was good but not as good as my brain had built it up to be in my head.

I started the liquid diet on Friday, one week before surgery. On the liquid diet I drink 7 protein shakes per day, generally made with unsweetened almond milk. The ultimate goal is to consume more than 70g of protein per day and less than 1200 calories. Typically my 7 protein shakes get me to about 130g of protein and 900 calories so I’ve been eating some sharp cheddar cheese to make up the calorie difference. I don’t know if I’m supposed to do that or not, but it feels good to eat something and cheese has 0 carbohydrates.

I’m actually surprised by how hard it is to follow the liquid diet. I figure I can do anything for a week, so it’s not that big of a deal. But I am HUNGRY. Really hungry. And the rest of the world is still eating delicious foods that smell great that I find in my presence regularly. Also, it’s not like I am on the liquid diet for a week and then I can have whatever I want so I just have to hold out. I’m on the liquid diet for a week, and then for a very long time after the surgery as well.

Suffice it to say, I am struggling much more than I thought I would. On Saturday we had a party and I did have some of the snacks (mostly hummus and some pretzels). I didn’t indulge to the level I normally would have, but it still wasn’t the wisest decision. Otherwise I’ve been sticking to the plan.

The morning before surgery, though, I had some ground turkey, cheese, and sour cream. I rationalized it by saying it was the last time I would have solid food in a long time and that it was still low-carb. I further rationalized it by looking up how long food stays in your stomach (4-6 hours) and that by eating it in the morning, it would not still be in my stomach at surgery time the following day. I feel silly for making these rationalizations and cheating on my diet, but man it felt good to eat something.