I am well aware that quoting Albert Einstein and saying,

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result

is cliché, but sometimes (or often, I suppose) the quote just fits. In my previous post, and possibly every post before it, I have lamented my 10+ year struggle with weight loss and outlined the various methods I have tried in order to return to a normal Body Mass Index (BMI). Yes, calories in must be less than calories expended. I understand the math, and I don’t debate the merits of the equation. But weight loss is a mind game, not an algorithm. It’s a daily struggle tainted not just by temptation but by emotion.

The thing is, I’ve been succeeding and failing cyclically at my attempts for more than a decade and I’m tired. I need help. For a long time I shied away from weight loss surgery (WLS) because I was prideful. I was determined to lose the weight on my own because I had gained it on my own and Frank knows I was strong enough and smart enough to get this beast under control.

Last September something changed. I was weeks away from marrying an amazing man and I realized that for us to have the kind of life that we wanted, a healthy, productive, eventful life with healthy, happy kidlets, then I needed to stop attempting to lose weight and just do it. By whatever means necessary, I needed to get healthy. I set up an appointment with a doctor at a weight loss clinic and I began researching my options.

Weight loss surgery is not something I came to lightly (pun intended) and although I know, without any doubt, that it is the right decision for me, I still feel a pang of frustration that I was not able to overcome this struggle on my own. It truly is a mind game, though, and I can be prideful and spend another ten years losing and gaining the same 50 pounds, or I can swallow my pride and accept some assistance. I’ve chosen the latter route.

Interestingly, despite my confidence in this path, I have not told anyone except my new husband and my best friend that I am having the procedure done. While generally a very confident and outgoing person, I am incredibly private in regards to my struggle with weight. I have no desire for the people around me to know about this deeply personal decision, nor do I want to open myself up to the judgements of others.

And so, dear blog, you are my outlet. I suppose it wouldn’t be hard for the people in my life to stumble across this blog, thus making my silence irrelevant, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. In the mean time, I am fine sharing my feelings with the unknown masses, fairly confident in the relative lack of readers that will stumble across my mumblings. Regardless, it has been cathartic to get these thoughts out on “paper” and I look forward to blogging my journey, successes, struggles, and all, as I move forward.

Oh, I almost forgot the most important part. My surgery was approved by my insurance this morning and I will be having a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy on February 6, 2014, in just over 3 weeks. I still haven’t wrapped my brain around it completely. Adventure, here I come!