I know that’s a depressing blog title but it completely encompasses how I feel right now. I re-started keto about 2.5 weeks ago and it has been a struggle. I gained 3 pounds, then lost it and I am the same weight now as I was when I started. I have been staying true to keto technically but I haven’t been tracking and I know I’ve been too lax in the amount of nuts and other “good” carbs I’ve been eating. I ordered ketostix online and have been waiting for them to arrive so I can have positive assurance that I am, in fact, in ketosis.

Unfortunately, because I gained weight in the beginning, I haven’t been very dedicated to losing weight this time around. I’m not just doing keto to lose weight, I know I feel better when I am in ketosis, but for whatever reason I am completely unmotivated. I feel like I can’t succeed. I think I’m depressed.

Today, after successfully navigating the weekend while with the future in-laws in Delaware, I fell off the wagon. I contemplated it before I did it, too. It was a conscious decision. I thought about it in the morning and decided I was going to go to Chipotle for lunch and have rice and chips with my burrito bowl. It wasn’t as liberating as I thought it would be. And, since I had already messed my day up, I decided to stop at Au Bon Pain and go “hog wild”, as my mom calls it. I got a ginger bread cookie, a cinnamon scone, AND a chai latte.

I feel like crap. My stomach hurts, the sugar is slogging through my veins making me incredibly sluggish, and I am so disappointed in myself. I am also frustrated because I don’t want my fiance to find out how bad I’ve been, but I feel bad keeping it from him, too. He is so supportive of me and tries so hard to help me, and here I go, not just falling off the wagon but actually planning my jump.

I realize that I use the wagon analogy a lot in regards to weight loss. I wonder if that’s healthy or unhealthy?

In any case, I keep finding excuses and reasons to not be good. On Wednesday I’m taking the day off and I’ll be home alone. What a perfect time to binge on the foods I’m not “allowed” to have. I love sitting alone in my apartment indulging in all the wrong things. I want to be stronger than that but the temptation is so strong. Ugh. I need to get out of my own head. I put myself in these viscous cycles, fully aware but unable to stop.

I need to believe in myself again. I think my ketostix will arrive on Wednesday. I know it isn’t good to put too much worth on their readings but I need the reassurance right now. I need to know that I’m in ketosis even though my clothes are tighter than ever. I use my ketostix in the morning so my goal for the rest of today, tomorrow, and Wednesday is to be really good so that I am in, or near, ketosis by Thursday morning.

I can do this. I need to do this.