It feels good that this post isn’t starting with, “Tomorrow I will…”, because today I did. I recommitted to myself, my goal, and my future. I did it for myself and for the man I love.

Today I demonstrated the strength I know I have. Maintaining this forward momentum will not be easy but I will do it because I can.

I know that’s a depressing blog title but it completely encompasses how I feel right now. I re-started keto about 2.5 weeks ago and it has been a struggle. I gained 3 pounds, then lost it and I am the same weight now as I was when I started. I have been staying true to keto technically but I haven’t been tracking and I know I’ve been too lax in the amount of nuts and other “good” carbs I’ve been eating. I ordered ketostix online and have been waiting for them to arrive so I can have positive assurance that I am, in fact, in ketosis.

Unfortunately, because I gained weight in the beginning, I haven’t been very dedicated to losing weight this time around. I’m not just doing keto to lose weight, I know I feel better when I am in ketosis, but for whatever reason I am completely unmotivated. I feel like I can’t succeed. I think I’m depressed.

Today, after successfully navigating the weekend while with the future in-laws in Delaware, I fell off the wagon. I contemplated it before I did it, too. It was a conscious decision. I thought about it in the morning and decided I was going to go to Chipotle for lunch and have rice and chips with my burrito bowl. It wasn’t as liberating as I thought it would be. And, since I had already messed my day up, I decided to stop at Au Bon Pain and go “hog wild”, as my mom calls it. I got a ginger bread cookie, a cinnamon scone, AND a chai latte.

I feel like crap. My stomach hurts, the sugar is slogging through my veins making me incredibly sluggish, and I am so disappointed in myself. I am also frustrated because I don’t want my fiance to find out how bad I’ve been, but I feel bad keeping it from him, too. He is so supportive of me and tries so hard to help me, and here I go, not just falling off the wagon but actually planning my jump.

I realize that I use the wagon analogy a lot in regards to weight loss. I wonder if that’s healthy or unhealthy?

In any case, I keep finding excuses and reasons to not be good. On Wednesday I’m taking the day off and I’ll be home alone. What a perfect time to binge on the foods I’m not “allowed” to have. I love sitting alone in my apartment indulging in all the wrong things. I want to be stronger than that but the temptation is so strong. Ugh. I need to get out of my own head. I put myself in these viscous cycles, fully aware but unable to stop.

I need to believe in myself again. I think my ketostix will arrive on Wednesday. I know it isn’t good to put too much worth on their readings but I need the reassurance right now. I need to know that I’m in ketosis even though my clothes are tighter than ever. I use my ketostix in the morning so my goal for the rest of today, tomorrow, and Wednesday is to be really good so that I am in, or near, ketosis by Thursday morning.

I can do this. I need to do this.

I’d like to be able to use this site to express frustrations and successes as I adjust to a low carb lifestyle. Hopefully posting via phone will work.

Oh Keto, such a love/hate relationship I have with you.

I first started a ketogenic diet in late May of 2012, days before embarking on a 2-week trip. Impressively, I was able to stay true to keto the entire time, despite incredible temptation in San Francisco, Hawaii, and Seattle. As a matter of fact, I successfully avoided carbohydrates for just over 4 months, losing 20 pounds during that time. On October 12, however, I jumped off the keto wagon for my birthday, and then struggled for weeks to jump back on. Eventually, I stopped trying. I knew I would be going home to Portland for Thanksgiving and would eat poorly, so I decided to officially take a break.

During my 6 week break, I ate as though I would never eat again. I consumed ridiculous amounts of chocolate, pizza, ice-cream, bread, etc. I had told myself that on December 1, 2012, I would find that keto wagon and sit my butt on it for the long haul. Until then, though, I was free.

Not only do I recognize, as I write this, how unhealthy my relationship with food has been; I recognized it at the time, too. Of course, if I had a healthy relationship with food I wouldn’t be obese to begin with, but that isn’t the point. I have, over the past 3 years, drastically improved my eating and exercise habits but apparently I still have a long way to go. I gained back 15 of the 20 pounds I had lost. Great. Suddenly I wasn’t just mindlessly enjoying “bad” foods, I was digging myself into a little hole of depression. My clothes were too tight, I felt sloppy and unattractive, my libido had disappeared, and I began to feel that old familiar feeling of hopelessness.

When December 1 came it was almost a relief. I remembered how happy I had been on keto. How I hadn’t stressed about what I could and couldn’t eat, and how easy it had become to say no to cupcakes at work. For me, keto is easy in some ways but hard in others. It is easy for me to quit cold turkey. I struggle terribly with moderation and accepting that I cannot have a cupcake means I don’t think about it even when it’s sitting right in front of me. It just isn’t an option. In that regard, keto works wonders for me. The difficulty comes when I plateau. The scale isn’t moving and suddenly it all seems for naught. Never mind the successes I’ve had, clearly this diet does not work and I might as well eat a pizza (not a slice of pizza- a whole pizza).

I anticipate experiencing this again, and probably soon. I’ve been on keto for 10 days now and so far it’s going well. I’ve had too many sunflower seeds and I eat too much cheese but getting back in the right mindset is a process. Like I said, I’m no good at moderation. Everything I’ve eaten over the last 10 days is technically keto friendly, but sometimes not in the quantities I’ve eaten.

The good news is, I’m already back to the right hole in my belt and my pants are feeling a little looser. I’m determined to stick with it this time.

Keto on.